Now that I'm home (and awake - thank you jet lag), it's time to write the Kili story. Or start telling. It was a very intense trip for a lot of reasons and I'm still processing it. I think I will be for a while.
I was struggling mentally in the first couple of days. I was tired, hadn't slept much before I left, couldn't sleep once I was there. Large groups make me a little nervous; I'm much more comfortable with just a couple of people at a time. I marvel at how easy everyone else is. Yes, most of them already know each other, but many of them also have that ease with people that I envy. I try.
I struggle to learn 39 new names. This is tough for me. I've never been particularly good with names, but I still suffer some after affects of chemo that make it much more difficult. Chemo brain can be so damned annoying! I don't want to insult these people by not remembering who they are. I don't want to worry about it. I just want to remember and be able to say the names. Often my chemo brain takes the form of aphasia: I know in my head what I want to say, but can't make the word come out my mouth.
I have little tricks to help me remember. We have 3 Gails and 2 Jims. At meals I look around to find the Gails - like living in a Where's Waldo picture. Thinking of personal connections somehow helps me. Steve, father of Jed, friend to Jim. Tim, tall, not a Jim. Theresa, a mother, but not Mother Theresa. Unfortunately, these threads are not fast enough for conversation. I notice that so many of them already know my name. They greet me - Hey, Julie, how's it going?....How's it going? My brain has dribbled out on the floor. That embarrasses me. I don't want people to know that sometimes my brain is a pile of goo. I guess that's pride; I guess that's not particularly useful.
And I'm nervous. I always worry about whether I'm ready.
But we're off.
Julie
4 comments:
Very good post I enjoyed reading it from top to bottom.
THANKS FOR SHARING VERY GOOD INFO.
Julie, I get what you're saying about remembering names. I think back about what my memory once was and long for it.
Looking forward to reading more about your adventure :)
Suzzann
Julie, you amaze me constantly w/ your strengths. The ease at which the words flow for you. The physical power that posses you and the ability that moved you through each day. Thank you for the posts, the pictorial documentation and for going on the trip, a true inspiration to me. Miss you! T
Thanks. Teresa, that's funny to me that anyone would mention "ease" with "words" for me! I am least comfortable with my words; it's always kind of difficult. Maybe that comes from a life as a musician where so much of what I communicate is non-verbal? I'm missing all of you, too!
Post a Comment