Snap, Back to Reality

I've been mulling this post over for a couple of weeks now, unsure whether or what to write. Most of you know that I'm celebrating 10 years of survivorhood this year. And most of you know I chose to celebrate it with a really big run: the North Face 50 Mile Endurance Race at Bear Mountain.

I was full of gratitude for still being here and healthy 10 years after my diagnosis. I was relishing the idea of starting into a new decade, when I had so often been unable to believe in the likelihood reaching the end of this one. And I was looking forward to cancer, while never really being gone from my life, becoming less immediately present.

I knew that although 10 years is pretty monumental, given where I started, it was not the end of my risk. I know that. I've read all the information and paid too close attention to my doctors to make the mistake of thinking it's all behind me. The risk is still there. It gets smaller with each passing year, but I still live with risk - we all do.

But I was celebrating.

Then I had my annual oncologist visit. And the celebration stopped. While I was regaling him with tales of my triumphal run, he noticed something in my remaining breast. A change. Suddenly, I realized with horror that I had gotten rather lax about my self-exams. It had been several months since I had done a thorough exam. He was right - not really a lump, but definitely a significant change.

On to my surgeon, mammo, ultra-sound, and needle biopsy. This all took place over a week and a half because I was visiting my family for my niece's graduation. As unsettling as all this was, I knew that there was no need to interrupt my short travel plans. If this was something, one week wouldn't make a difference. But it did make for a troubling week.

All came back fine - benign - yea! - but....

Snap, back to reality!

Back to more checks, more frequent doc visits, more anxiety, more life with cancer.

I am not a superstitious person, but I admit to having plenty of thoughts of: Did I somehow jinx this? Here I was celebrating 10 years, was that like tempting the gods? Did I start to take my good health for granted?

It's shocking how easily and quickly we can all fall into wondering if this is all somehow our fault. We know it's not. We know there are certain behaviors that can increase or decrease our risk of cancer, but cause and effect is never so direct or absolute. All smokers are not guaranteed of getting lung cancer, and some people who never smoked do get it.

No, I didn't cause my cancer, and no, I didn't cause this little scare. But what's it all mean?

I'm fine and still terribly grateful for my good health. But this was like a punch in the stomach after so much time. I know that I'm still at risk, but it's been quite a while since a scare; my doc visits had begun to feel almost routine (weird to say a visit to the oncologist can ever feel routine).

I didn't write about this until now for several reasons. One is my family. My parents read this blog regularly and I hate to upset them. Of course I would tell them if something were wrong, but I see no need to upset them unnecessarily. One of the most painful phone calls I made when I was diagnosed was to my parents. I don't want to relive any portion of that on either side simply for tests - they're only tests.

Another is my own struggle to balance my joy at a big milestone with the depressing fact that I'm still a cancer survivor. And that means that I will always be at risk for recurrence or new cancers. I will always face a battery of tests whenever my very vigilant doctors notice something - this is good, though - I'm still here in large part because my doctors have been vigilant. I will always be a cancer survivor, with all that that entails.

And what's it all mean? I want some sort of meaning. I want a reason for plummeting from a joyful, triumphant celebration to the pits of anxiety, when all the memories of the times when tests ("it's probably nothing") did not turn out well come rushing back, fresh like it was yesterday. When hearing one sentence can suck the air from my lungs.

Does this mean my celebration was for naught? Does it mean it doesn't count?

No, I don't think so. Reaching 10 years is monumental - no matter what happens next. None of us know what will happen next. We're all at risk. Life is a risk. As survivors, we know that better than many folks. We know it in a very immediate, in your face kind of way. And maybe that's not a terrible thing.

Maybe this was just a terrible and wonderful reminder.

Terrible because it's a reminder that cancer will never be far from my life. Terrible because of the memories, the anxiety, the fear.

But wonderful because it reminds me of just how precious every one of the last 10 years has been, every moment going forward - however long that is. Every celebration, every step - precious. After all, isn't that the reason we so desperately want to survive? Isn't that the whole point?

Julie

Surprise Yourself

I so enjoyed your comments from my last post: Yes, Gillian, just a little meshugganah (but hopefully in a good way). Everyone's advice was good; it's what I would have said to someone else. Don't push too hard. Maybe start with an easier race....

But I admit to having trouble following advice sometimes. It probably would have been smart to have waited, but the race was there.

I ran yesterday. Ten miles of hills. And it was fun. I felt good. The achiness of earlier in the week was gone. I had slept a lot during the week in the hopes of fighting back against this Lyme disease. And that seemed to have worked.

I finished strong - sprinted the end - because I could. I finished in 1:35, an average pace of 9:35 min. per mile. That's not bad for me.

Post race, I swam in the cold waters of Lake George - a perfect post-race activity (cold baths help reduce inflammation in tired, stressed muscles). And after that, my friend and I had a lovely lunch at the Sagamore,  looking up towards the narrows of Lake George (one of the most beautiful lakes I've seen).

We can surprise ourselves. We all struggle with this and that, but sometimes, if we try, we can do more than we thought possible. 

Live life with no limits. Surprise yourself today.

Julie

The Balancing Act

I'm struggling with balance. How about you?

I'm still feeling the effects of Lyme disease. I get tired more quickly than usual. Ten or 11 hours of sleep a night seems to be what I need. I get tired during the day. And when I get tired I get really achy and headachy.

But I love to run and swim and hike. And I'm currently up at Saratoga Springs to play Opera Saratoga. I love being up here. I get to see old friends, and I'm that much closer to the North Country! I'm just a half hour from Lake George and the lower end of my beloved Adirondacks. I usually spend every moment possible up North running around in the woods when I'm here for the opera.

Argh! How to balance my need for rest with my need for outdoor activity? I've written before about the importance of respecting our bodies and what they are going through when we're in treatment or fighting some other disease. No, this is not cancer, but it's not nothing either!

My solution is to cut back on some of the usual socializing, take little naps when I can, but still try to get out for a short run. And I just signed up for the Adirondack Distance Run on Sunday, a 10-mile run through rolling hills along the shore of Lake George.

I realize a 10-mile race might be pushing it. But I'm trying to balance the importance of rest with the need to do things I love. I need to do something that feels like normal. I need to feel excited.

I don't plan on doing anything stupid. If I need to stop, I will. I have no problem with stopping or walking if it's necessary. But the idea of running the race, even of getting up really early to do it, makes me happy. Making the attempt makes me happy.

So, I'll race on Sunday. I'll get plenty of rest before that. I'll walk or stop if I need to. But I'll race on Sunday - and feel very happy.

How do you balance the need for rest with the need for activity and goals?

Julie

Happy Father's Day!

I learned to rock climb because of my father. My dad and I decided to take a Father/Daughter vacation. I had to be out West for something, and decided to take a little extra time so we could do some sort of outdoor, mountainy kind of thing. We talked about the possibilities: canoe trip, backpacking, white water rafting.... And then I mentioned an article I had just read in the New York Times about learning to climb in the Tetons. I wasn't at all interested in that, in fact, it terrified me. I only mentioned it to pad the list of options, sure he would never pick that. Of course, that was the thing that interested him most.

After I put my fears aside, the trip was a great success. Although at first I found rock climbing difficult and scary, at some point on the second day something clicked and I began to fall in love with climbing. Dad was the total hit, though. Everyone loved that father and daughter were off on an adventure together. He was the oldest person learning to climb that summer. A group of brothers were completely jealous - their father had declined the trip because he thought he was too old to learn to climb. My dad was unstoppable. He had never tried climbing before, but just motored his way up every climb. Point him to a rock face and he would find some way up it.

And I got to see my dad in a new light. It was one of the first times we had really gotten out of our father-daughter roles. We hung out with people we just met, told jokes, drank beer, swapped stories with other climbers and hikers. I got to see him as the charming, adventurous, goofy, fun, nice guy that he is. Thanks, Dad. May you have many more adventures!

Happy Father's Day to all!

Julie

(All my pictures from that trip are buried deep in the bowels of my basement right now while we continue our house repairs. Maybe by next Father's Day the work will all be done and I can share some of those pics.)

Enthusiasm - Don't Curb It

What are you enthused about? Surely there is one thing today that gets you excited.

Enthusiasm gets a bad rap sometimes. Or is that just because I live in NY, where we've all seen and done it all, so why get excited? We're told to calm down, be measured, take a deep breath - take it all in stride.

But isn't life more fun if you're excited about something? Alright, I know, life is plenty hard - it's unfair, it's filled with disappointments, it's painful. In spite of all that, isn't life more fun if you're excited about something?

Try to find at least one thing each day that excites you. It can be silly and small, or a major event. The boost can help you get through the less pleasant aspects of your day. And really great if what excites you is something that gets you moving, that's good for you.

After I was run down by a taxi years ago (back before I had cancer), every day was painful. I had a spinal cord injury and a lot of soft tissue damage. But we were heading into Spring and the birds were migrating. I got excited about moving out onto the deck to see the warblers returning. And later, I made my daily walks down my long driveway. Walking was still difficult, but picking fresh raspberries for my breakfast made the struggle worthwhile. It was a struggle, but the steady, daily work I did to keep moving helped me to a full recovery - far better than many of my doctors expected. Enthusiasm helped keep me going: enthusiasm for what I might see if I endured the pain, or for what I could find (or eat).

I carried those same ideas forward into my life with cancer. Cancer - all aspects of it - is difficult. It's exhausting, it's painful, it's damn scary! But I tried to find and focus on things that would excite me: nature, walking, art, music. A lot of those happy things turned out to be things that got me moving. And by allowing myself to get excited by even very small physical things, I stayed connected to my body in a positive way.

So, what are you enthused about today? I just bought a new pair of trail running shoes (I put a whole lot of miles on my old ones!). I'm trying out a new shoe. Today, I am really enthusiastic about my new shoes. I can't wait to take them out for a spin on the trail today.

Staying calm is all well and good, but get enthused about something. Remember as a kid getting excited about something new, a chance to play with friends, or just going outside to see what you could find? Allow yourself just a little of that spirit now. What excites you now?

Julie

Lessons from My Parents - Mom

Doing it right is more important than doing a lot. That's today's Life-Cise Daily Tip. (you can click this link to sign up for the Daily Tip & Newsletter.)

My mom is a perfect example of this. When I see her, we usually go over her current exercise routine. I check her form and make suggestions and adjustments. I've written about her before; she's the pushup queen!

One of the reasons I like to use my mom as an example is that she's always stayed focused on good form as she progresses. At first, she may not be able to do many reps of a particular exercise, or may only be able to do a modified form, but she does what she can in perfect form. In that way, she carefully strengthens the muscles and is able to slowly and safely progress.

When I first assessed her, she couldn't push herself up off the floor once. Slowly, making incremental progress, she built up her upper body and core strength until she could do perfect pushups. Along the way, with every modification, she focused on perfect form rather than number of reps.

This trip, I added some good stabilizing exercises to help with balance. I want to make sure she feels steady on her feet! That's in addition to the excellent core work she's already doing. Stability is equally about lower body and core strength. She demonstrated a perfect bridge with stability ball. Here, she shows a solid, stable torso - completely steady and plank-like. She's totally awesome!

It's so easy to get caught up in trying to do more. We see others doing more reps or more sets, running faster or farther. Whether out of competitiveness with them, or with ourselves (I did 5 more than last week!), we can get obsessed with numbers. I know I do sometimes. Do you?

But for real, long-term improvements, we're better off taking a lesson from my mom: doing it right is better than doing a lot!

Julie

Rest - Sometimes It's What You Need

We all know that rest is an integral part of health. It's as important as proper nutrition and exercise. But, as with all things, balance is important.

Those of you who read this blog regularly know that I'm struggling with Lyme disease right now. I'm about halfway through my long course of antibiotics, and I am feeling much better. But I'm also getting frustrated at not being able to do all the things I want - like rock climb and run, and start training for my next race....

I have started running a little, but a couple experiences in the last week remind me of just how vital rest is, and of finding that balance of activity and rest. Last week I finally went back to my very early morning speed workout with my coach. I tried to take it easy - as much as possible in that very intense workout. I sat out on some of the repeats. It felt great to be there running again, but I did push too hard and I paid the price. My Lyme-y headache came back for the day, and I was completely exhausted. I wasn't capable of doing anything productive the rest of the day.

So clearly, that was a little too intense for me at this stage.

Several days of active rest followed, and I was ready to run again. Sunday I needed to run some errands, so I ran them. It was about 8.5 miles to the library, bank, pharmacy and back home. I felt good for about 6 miles. Then, suddenly I felt completely spent. I had to walk much of the last 2 miles.

The experience reminded me of how I felt recovering from treatment. I remember feeling pretty good - thinking I was pretty much back to normal. I'd go out for a longer than usual ski or swim or hike, and feel great - until I didn't. What was so difficult was that I felt like I had no backup. Normally, I'd get tired, get more tired, more tired - but there was always more reserve. After treatment, I was still exercising, but didn't have that reserve as I got tired. I'd go from feeling fine to nothing left.

This is all just a way of saying, don't underestimate what your body is going through. Whether it's cancer treatment, serious injury, or some other disease, our bodies are handling a lot. If we want them to recover and regain strength, we have to allow them adequate rest.

But balance is important (remember that from the first paragraph?). Too much rest and our muscles continue to weaken. We end up feeling much worse and able to do much less. But push too hard, and we can exhaust ourselves and suffer setbacks.

So how to find that balance? There's a lot of trial and error, but there are some guidelines. Don't be afraid to push yourself a little. You want to feel like you're doing something. Muscles get stronger by being stressed. They respond to the stress by building themselves up. So, you have to do enough activity so you're making your body work. Not enough that you hurt yourself, but you should feel like you're doing something.

Then, equally important to the exercise, is rest. You have to rest in order for your body to build up more strength. But rest doesn't mean lying around on the couch all day. The best kind of rest is active rest. Move a little, nothing stressful - maybe go for a little walk, an easy bike ride, garden, or clean. You will recover faster and feel better sooner with lightly active recovery than total rest.

This really is as much a reminder to me as it is for you. Clearly, sometimes I'm better at giving good advice than I am at following what I already know! But the good news is that after a couple of workouts that were a bit too intense for me right now, and plenty of rest to recover, I do feel better. I went back to my early morning speed workout this morning. I did feel better and stronger. But I was also smarter about slowing up or taking a lap or 2 off when I needed (I can learn from my mistakes). It was still intense - always is - but I left feeling good, not exhausted.

I'm surprised at how hard this Lyme disease has hit me, but I know the principals that I learned during cancer treatment and recovering from treatment will help me get through this as well. We all have to respect our bodies, and respect what our bodies are going through. Part of respecting that is doing what we can to help our bodies recover. And that means rest when we need it, staying active, and finding that all important balance between pushing ourselves and taking it easy.

Julie

Getting What You Need

To borrow from Mick Jagger: You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.


What sort of exerciser are you? Do you have a set routine? If you don't get that done, do you feel like you haven't worked out? Do you think exercise only happens at the gym or on a treadmill? What happens on busy days, or long travel day?

Last year, I posted a question on LinkedIn. I asked why people don't exercise regularly, given what we know about the benefits. I got a lot of interesting, insightful answers. I also got quite a few angry responses about how they are simply too busy (I couldn't possibly understand that....) to go to the gym every day - they've got important things to do (as though their health isn't important)!

All too often people have a set and surprisingly rigid idea of what exercise is. They go to the gym for an hour, or watch the morning news while walking on the treadmill. These are great things, but what happens if it's not possible? Should we just accept the idea we can't exercise that day, re-double our efforts tomorrow?

I was thinking about this during the last several days. Besides not getting my usual workouts because I've been sick with Lyme disease, I've had several long days with lots of things scheduled. And I had a couple of long travel days to go see my eldest niece graduate (congrats Megan, so proud of you!!).

It would be so easy to write off those days for exercise! I don't have time.

Instead, I accepted I wouldn't get an ideal workout, but got what I could. On Tuesday, I found myself with a half hour between appointments. Instead of going to Starbucks for coffee or looking at shoes I didn't need, I headed into Central Park for a walk. Between that and walking to and from my car, I logged in around 2 miles.

Between long lines, the TSA, layovers, and delayed flights, it's pretty much guaranteed that if you have to fly somewhere, you're going to have a long day with a lot of down time. It's easy to mindlessly endure the lines and just slump down in a chair once at the gate. It's easy to find the whole experience exhausting.

I know how this is; I had several very busy years touring as a musician, sometimes spending as much as a third of my year on the road. I found that if I did whatever I could to move a little bit, I generally felt better. So, for this last trip, I had a layover in Charlotte in which I had to get from one end of the airport to the terminal at the complete other end. That's fine - I walked. And no, I didn't use the moving sidewalks. I walked the whole way; I took the stairs.

That's the obvious one - walk (and not just to the Cinnabon). A few other ideas: think about how you're standing while you're going through the security line. Are you standing tall, with your core engaged? Or are you slouching with your belly hanging out? When you're taking a bus or train, try standing even if there are seats. Keeping yourself steady as you bump along will put your core muscles and legs to work. OK, do this only if you have pretty good balance and have a rail to hold on to.

No, none of this is the same as running 10 miles, but it's not bad for a day in which there was no time for exercise.

And remember, the health benefits from exercise are cumulative. The recommendations from the American College of Sports Medicine, the American Heart Association, the American Cancer Society, and the US Dept. of Health and Human Services, are to get 30 minutes of moderate exercise most days per week. But they don't say you have to do it all at once. You can split it up into smaller segments. It's the total activity for the day that's important.

So, you have a busy day? With some creative thinking, you still might just get what you need.

Julie